Some Asshole’s To-Do List
- Stand right in front of the subway door at a busy station and push your way on before everyone gets off because the train will probably leave before everyone is off and you won’t have a chance to get on because that is how the subway works and also it’s really important that you snag that sweet standing spot in the opposite doorway.
- Act like you don’t go to Starbucks every day and don’t be prepared to give your order to the guy that’s not at the register and also make him ask twice for your name and also forget what you ordered when you do get to the register and wait for a receipt and then don’t notice who was in line around you and start bugging the barista for your latte when people that were in front of you still haven’t gotten their shit.
- Send “on the way” text nine minutes after the scheduled start time of all appointments.
- Really go for it when mixing sports metaphors at meetings.
- Reply-all to every email chain but add no information.
- Do so hours after the chain has been resolved.
- Confront a comedian on Twitter about a joke that, for whatever reason, you took personally. Try your hardest to make him feel bad. Employ an appeal-to-emotion argument.
- Be indignant about getting thrashed by said comedian in response. Utilize a straw man or slippery slope tactic (whichever feels right).
- Decry his inability to “take it” despite his proclivity for “dishing it out”. Lean into the ad hominem attacks.
- DVR anything featuring Guy Fieri.
- Have restful eight hours of sleep without a care in the world.
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